Frustraition Rant~

I joked to one of my older guyfriends about how he was a virgin, and he took it pretty badly. Not to mention I did this in front of other people, and right now I'm banging my head on the nearest hard surface wondering why I mentioned it in the first place.

My mother claims it just runs in the family, that she did it too and it ended up with her losing a few friends. I've done it as well, making senseless comments which usually ends up with me accidentaly severing what trust I had in between good friends and I. It's an annoyance, and I've often wondered why I do it.

But I came down to the simple conclusion that it was just a part of what I am. I've honestly tried to control it, but it keeps slipping out anyway. And it's frustraiting, because I'm sitting there afterwards wondering why I even THOUGHT it was right in the first place. I wish I could just appolagize and blame it on someone else, but I know it's not going to be that easy. It's never that easy, isn't it?

I know I have the capabilities of being smarter, better, but I never take it because my current demeanor seems to overpower any will I once had to progress, to become more. Maybe it has to do with my childhood, perhaps. I only truly got 'real' friends in my middle-school years, and anything before that is me being barely able to grasp the concept of friendship, since I merely saw it as a way to bring satisfaction to myself. To assure myself of something I barely understood in the first place.

Because of this I feel as though I'm behind since I lost out on the many years of practice that many other children, my own friends, had. And it's frustraiting, because I want to progress and I can't seem to grasp that one bar above me.

That aside, I feel a bit better after writing that down. =_=;; It's been bugging me for a while, and what happened last night really brought everything into perspective for me. Now, for all that studying I've been meaning to do...